The Shoes Don't Fit
by FTWinterstorm
Summary: When a spying attempt goes horribly wrong on Dib's part, he and his alien nemesis learn more about each other's species than they would have ever cared to know...What? Not like that, you pervert! NO PAIRINGS, minor ZaDF.
1. Chapter 1: The MADNESS Begins

**The plot bunny has been poking me with this one for ages. Here ya go, my first IZ fic. No pairings.**

**Enjoy, Earth Pigs.**

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><p>The day was clear and cloudless when the chaos began. It was a perfect afternoon in summer, perfect for kids to play sports, go for a walk, fly a kite, or spy on their enemies.<p>

That's exactly what Dib was doing that day. (Not kite-flying, spying.) He raced through the streets of his town, slipping around like a shadow as he approached an abnormal, nearly glowing green, two story house. He went into 'Ninja stealth mode', recalling all the blind spots for his alien rival's base security (those lawn gnomes hurt when they got to you. He still had the bruises from his last try).

His last plan had failed majorly. It had been a plan to record Zim's transmisions to his leaders- The Almighty Tall guys or whatever- by sneaking in and placing a smoke detector-like camera transmitter in Zim's base. Unfortunatley, Gir found the transmitter and placed it on his head- and after two minutes of monitoring what goes on for that little deranged robot, Dib got rid of the recordings.

This time, he had a better plan, and better equipment. He just had to find a way to...

_Oh,_ Dib thought as his extraterrestrial nemesis exited his house. _Great timing._ The large headed boy lifted a small, darklike object from a crinkly plastic bag in his pocket and aimed carefully.

"Hello!" Zim announced loudly, almost making Dib think he had been caught until he noticed Zim making elaborate hand gestures to a neighbor watering some plants. "I am recieving a pamphlet of informations! Just like a normal human pork worm!"

"Pork worm..." Dib mumbled to himself as Zim picked up a newspaper at the end of his walkway and the neighbor shrugged the occasion off. "That's a new one."

He shook his head. _Stay on task!_ he reminded himself. He held the dartlike object carefully and aimed, once again, at Zim's PAK. If it lodged correctly, all the codes and things stored in it- all of Zims plans, information, maybe a good recipe for Barbeque sauce- would be downloaded and transfered to the host of another dartlike device, which Dib had in his other pocket and planned to plug into his computer.

_Easy...easy..._ Dib backed up a step and squinted one eye shut for a better perspective. Unfortunatley, as he stepped out of the blind spot where he was hiding, one of the gnomes turned towards him and shot a laser from his eyes.

"CRAP!" Dib cried out a little louder than he meant to, causing Zim and all the other gnomes to turn around. Dib threw the device, not caring where it landed, and ran.

The good news for Dib was that it landed on Zim.

The bad news was that it did not lodge in the PAK, but in the irken's skin. The dart-like part fell off, and only the tip remained, buried like a splinter in the extraterrestrial's green flesh. **(A/N: Such a lovely picture XD)**

"HEY!" Zim shouted. "DIB-WORM!" More lasers were fired as Dib shot away, racing as fast as he could to his house, not bothering to look over his shoulder. Eventually, he glanced over his shoulder, panting and panicing, and tripped over a rock.

"At least I wasn't being followed," he grumbled as he stood up. He had been running half that time for nothing. He checked his pants pocket to see if his transmitter had been damaged. He pulled out the dart-like grasping part, but the needle point was nowhere to be found.

"Dang it," Dib groaned. It seemed as if the only times his plans went well was when they were to stop any plans that Zim had. They could each stop each other from taking action, but a simple spying attempt never went well. The paranormalist sighed. Another failure.

"I'll get you one day," he muttered through gritted teeth as he adjusted his glasses and walked the rest of the way home.

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><p>"Smelly Dib-worm," Zim muttered as he re-entered his base. "Trying to defeat the almighty force that is me! The almighty ZIM!"<p>

The irken smiled lightly as his name echoed off the walls of his house. That was one of the few things he secretly enjoyed about this ball of filth they called a planet- the architecture was similar to that of his home, allowing him to be surrounded by the glory of his own voice.

Not that he didn't scream it everywhere else, anyway.

As he stepped further into the odd green house, he felt a small pain in his leg. Nothing huge, mind you- the same amount of pain you get from a small splinter. It was an irritant over anything.

"Heeeey Master!" Gir jumped on his master's head. "Are you gonna make foooood?"

"Not now Gir," Zim replied blandly to the dysfunctional little robot, "I'm busy planning DOOM!"

"You're always plannin' doom, Master! Can we make CUPPYCAKES?"

Zim raised an eyeridge. He had no idea what these "cuppycakes" were, but they couldn't be any more important than the mission.

"Cuppycakes can wait, Gir."

Gir frowned. "But I want to make Cuppycakes! Cuppycakes with frosting and mustard and HAM!"

"...I TOLD YOU NO MORE HAM!" As advanced as his Tallest had described him, the little robot had seemed very unhelpful during the mission. He could gather information quickly, true, as he watched so much television and knew so much about the food, but those facts were not needed to conquer a planet.

Gir, upset with his Ham-Cupcake deprivation, began to scream loudly before stopping suddenly and squeezing a rubber piggy.

"Filthy planet..." Zim grumbled. "Filthy earthinoids...filthy Dib-head..."

Zim could have plotted a thousand plans that day had the irritating feeling in his left leg not distracted him. At last he threw away his lastest failure plan to destroy the Earth with a complex scheme involving puppets, angry.

"WHY must all my plans be foiled?" he marveled to himself in a dramatic voice, as usual (had he been born a human, he may have been a successful theatre actor, as Dib had noticed). "If it weren't for that Dib-stink and his sister, I would have DEVASTATED this planet ages ago, with all its FILTHY inhabitants!"

"You wanna make mah cuppycakes now?" Gir asked.

Zim raised his three claw-fingers against his head in a facepalm. "Sure," he muttered defeated.

Gir frowned. "Is Mastah feelin' sleepy?" he questioned innocently.

"What? NO!" Zim shouted defensively. "We Irkens do not need these things such as SLEEP! It is under our high and sluuuuuuurgh..."

Whatever Zim was about to say was a mystery, as he was suddenly overcome with a wave of fatigue and collasped on the floor.


	2. Chapter 2: Wait, WHAT?

**Happy Earth Day/Good Friday! Go plant a tree. If you're Irken, go blast a house. Now it's time for...Review replies! **

**FuzzehNomNom- I know, didn't they sound delicious? Hm...ham.**

** Almighty Invader Nym- Yes, but then why did Zim pass out? Stuff will be revealed...IN THIS EPIC CHAPTER! **

**Grimm2- I'm glad you like the plot! There aren't nearly enough like this...too many romace stories. *shudder***

** XxFuTuRe_EaRtH_RuLeRxX- Thanks! Glad to know people enjoy my stuff. New chapter is here!**

** Musicture- Epic! I'm leading. **

**Almighty Invader Bugz- You and Nom. You two seem to want those cupcakes!**

** Falconflight- I'm glad you read my fanfic! I know you're not huge on Invader Zim, so the fact that you're keeping up with this makes me happy. **

**Invader Johny- Yes, the word "inconspicuous" is not in Zim's vocalbulary, is it? He might find blending in easier now... (foreshadowing) **

**Darkrose826- I'm not really aiming for nonsensical with this one...though it gets random at times. *gives Gir a cuppycake* **

**Also, the title is based on the saying "You never know a man unless you walk a mile in their shoes," which is based on another saying, but I'm running out of space here, and you guys want to read the story. Excuse the shortness of the chapter.**

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><p>Dib woke up on the floor of his room, his eyes unfocused. He didn't recall falling asleep. The last thing he remembered was running into his room after the failed spy attempt, then falling on the floor. His head pounding with a splitting headache, he scanned the ground for his glasses, eventually finding them within reaching distance. He extended his left hand to pull them on.<p>

That's when he began to notice.

Instead of seeing his normal, fleshy hand, he was greeted by a three-clawed, green one.

_Green..._

Dib snapped up the glasses pronto, holding them onto his large head as he realized he had no ears, even though his hearing seemed unaffected. He felt one of two new appendages on his head twitch- antennae, for sure. He rushed to the bathroom mirror, hoping this was a dream, a nightmare...

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><p>For the first time ever, Zim had a dream.<p>

As he lay unconscious on the floor, his mind was slowly weaving a vivid image in his head, which he bore witness to. Zim had never even slept at all before this point, but as logic in dreams have it, he didn't see anythig odd about it. It was an unusual dream, in which Zim was fighting off a rabid moose that kept charging him. But it wasn't what was in the dream that was remarkable, it was the fact that he had dreamed it. Irkens never sleep, much less have these things humans call _dreams._ It was unheard of.

Yet there he was, in his own mind, bullfighting this _awful_ moose. He dodged its every attack with nimble strength. At last, the invader's foot got caught, and the moose began to charge...

Zim's eyes opened with a start. "What the Irk?" he muttered.

Just as the words left his mouth, a siren went off.

"INTRUDER DETECTED. INTRUDER DETECTED."

Zim shot up. An intruder? Where? He tried to activate the spider legs from his PAK, only to find nothing was happening. He glanced back to make sure it was not damaged, only to be greeted with great surprise.

It wasn't there.

His PAK wasn't there, and yet no lifeclock displayed itself to his vision. It was unheard of, an Irken surviving without a PAK!

"COMPUTER!" Zim shouted. "REMOVE THE INTRUDER IMMEDIATLEY!"

Directly after speaking, a robotic arm extended from the ceiling, grabbing Zim by the collar of his shirt and throwing him straight out the now open door. The door slammed behind him, the gnomes closing in as Zim stood, shocked.

"Do not attack your master!" Zim commanded the gnomes. "I COMMAND YOU!"

The gnomes took no heed, and Zim was forced to flee the yard, standing just outside his fence. The sky had changed from its earlier clear state into gray, thick clouds, which were now beginning to pour down rain. Zim flinched as a drop fell on his skin, only to find that it did nothing to harm him. It just slid off, some of it absorbed in his clothing. A puddle very quickly formed near his feet, allowing him to take a good look at himself, causing him to scream.

His antennae were gone, along with his normal green hue. His skin was the same light beige as what we might refer to as Caucasian, and his eyes were now non differable from his contacts he normally used for disguise. Ears now protruded from his pale head, just below his newly aquired hair, which looked very much like his wig he wore for Skool.

Zim was a human.

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><p><strong>I see yelling and confrontations in the future. Please, leave reviews and cookies!<strong>


	3. Chapter 3: Yelling and Confrontation

**And now, in no particular order...REPLIES!**

**Taruya-chan- Irony is fun. I couldn't help but laugh a little whilst writing that bit. Poor Zimmeh... He's so confused *evil grin* **

**Darkrose826- I have a hunch this isn't Gir's fault this time. Wait, something went wrong and it wasn't his fault? Now I'm scared. **

**Falconflight- It was only predictable because it's in the description. Still, thanks for reviewing! **

**Jayfire6- Took me a while, but I GET IT! You said "Great chapter, too" and it was Chapter TWO! It IS punny! *feels proud* **

**Grimm2- *Thanks for cookies, then stuffs in closest so you won't spoil any more plot points* Don't worry, you'll have enough air in there, and I think there's a waffle iron somewhere. **

**PartyPoisonandFunGhoul- Thanks for the review! Yes, and hyooman Zim is ANGRY...BTW, I looked up "Zim as a human" on Google Images, but I didn't find much...there was one good picture, and the rest were just him in disguise... I did find one with Zim trying on Dib's glasses and Dib looking angry. That one was kinda cute. **

**Invader Johnny- Oh, but I like Dib! I like Zim and Dib equally. Well, in the sense that I love to torture them at my every chance. That's why I don't write many fluffy oneshots. I love to put the characters in awful situations. **

**Almighty Invader Bugz- Hey! I wanted that cookie! Meh, pigs are cool too. I'll name him Harold! *hugs Harold* **

**DarkLittleVasquezGirl- I have thought out quite a bit about Gir-will he react like Computer and not even recognize him? What if he thinks Dib is his master? Why am I asking you these questions, anyway? I haven't gotten to far with Gaz, but she'll show up. She's mah fave. As for cupcakes...I'm afraid I lost the recipe. **

**Musicture- Heh. Moose. And yes, I live for cliffhangers. I should take up rock climbing (see what I did thar?).**

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><p><em>Okay...Don't panic<em>.

The thought pulsed through Dib's head as he gawked at the mirror. Yes, he was an Irken. Yes, he had no idea what had happened. Yes, he had no idea how to fix it... On second thought, panic seemed like a comforting idea.

His head, though size unchanged, was now host to two long, black antennae, along with wide amber bug eyes. His clothing still fit him, though it looked strange and unusual on an Irken. His glasses wouldn't stay on his head for lack of ears, and his nose was missing, too. The anntenae proved helpful, as they could detect scent and sound. It was still freaky beyond compare.

Dib's mind raced. _It's a prank,_ was the first wild theory. _It's a trick mirror or something. Maybe something got slipped in my orange juice this morning and I'm hallucinating._

These options were soon cancelled out by Dib's mind. Gaz was at a summer camp (against her wishes), and Professor Membrane was always away. Besides, what reason would they have for so drastic a prank?

_It could be for one of those sick TV shows,_ Dib suggested, not believeing a word of it. Who would have thought all this up for a show? No human but he and his sister even knew what Irkens looked like.

_Zim._

That thought struck with force. _This is one of his evil plans! I just know it!_ Dib didn't stop to think _why_ Zim would want to turn him into an Irken, or how he would have turned him into an Irken. It was the _only_ way. No one else could have done it.

Dib would have run out of he house and straight to Zim's if he hadn't realized he looked like a freak. He opened his closet, and after rumaging through endless shirts, jackets, and paranormal pamphlets with headings such as _PIGFOOT LIVES!_ and _WEREWOLVES AT CHICKENBURGER?_, he found a dark hoodie sweatshirt and a very large rubber band. He cut the rubber band, tying each end to the ends of his glasses, forming something he could use to keep them on. He slipped on the hoodie sweatshirt, reminding himself to keep the hood up and his face down to avoid people seeing him.

Then, he ran out the door in a silent mad rampage to his alien nemisis's base. The rain poured down in truckloads, making Dib run faster. He had seen Zim's reaction to water before, and he didn't want to feel the burning sensation for himself.

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><p>Of all the days Zim had been residing on this filthy ball of spinning dirt we call Earth, this had to be the worst. First, the Dib-worm had come too close for comfort to breaking into his base. Then he had that awful vision of that <em>horrible<em> moose, then waking up to be kicked out of his base. The fact that he had been turned into a human was just the icing on the cake.

After screaming and running in circles for a while, Zim heard footsteps rapidly approaching. He slumped down on the curb. _Think normal,_ he reminded himself.

The figure creating the footsteps soon became visible. A dark, wet hoodie sweatshirt covered his face from visibility, but he overall seemed oddly familar(1). The figure stalked right past the arsenal of gnomes spread across the yard, much to Zim's surprise.

"I just upgraded my defenses!" he muttered, astonished, as the figure entered the base. "They're only supposed to let me in! Me, the ALL POWERFUL ZI-"

Zim's loud exclamation was cut off as his voice cracked and coughed. "Curse this human larynx," he whispered patheticly.

"ALL RIGHT, ZIM!" A very familiar voice shouted from inside. "TELL ME WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" Zim hopped off the curb. "DIB-WORM!" he screeched in surprise, standing at the edge of the sidewalk that led up to his house, glaring into the ajar door.

Their gazes met, shocking and confusing each other to no end. They stood in solemn silence for a minute or two, just letting the realization sink in. Then, Zim took action.

He raced past the gnomes, just quick enough to evade them, and with pure rage, thrust his hands over Dib's throat.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" he screamed. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?"

Dib shoved Zim backward. "I could ask you the same thing!" he yelled back. "Look at me!"

"You? What about me? I was a high breed of Irken invader, and now I'm a WORTHLESS PIG TOAD!" _Another new one, _Dib made a mental note. "So you _didn't_ do this?" the now Irken asked.

"Of course not, monkey brain," Zim sneered. He took a good look at his rival's new form. He had all the Irken features- except one thing.

"Where's your PAK?" he asked inquisitively.

That hadn't struck Dib yet. Out of the corner of his eye, he noiced what resembled a small clock, reading 5:34.

"What's your lifeclock say, Dibworm?" Zim asked, raising an eyeridge.

"Five thirty four...three...two..." It was then that Dib realized this clock was telling him when he would...when he would-

Zim slapped a cold, large, metal object onto the Irken's back. It was a spare PAK he had kept in case his was damaged. You see, Irkens and their PAKs are much like computers. If a PAK is damaged or removed, the Irken has back-up stored in...well, in himself of herself, and if they aquire a new PAK, never used by anyone, within ten minutes, the backup is downloaded into that. Now, how in the galaxy evolution pulled _that_ off is a mystery that slaps Darwin in the face.

Instantly, the lifeclock dissapeared. "Um...thanks?" Dib thanked, surprised that Zim hadn't just let him rot.

"Now, Smelly-" Zim stopped, realizing the smelly Earth pig statement wouldn't work. "You former smelly Earth pig. Any ideas how we got like this?"

Dib rubbed his leg, now aware of a splinter it had wedged in it. He pulled it out swiftly, revealing a black, small, needle-like thing. He stared at it for a few moments. It was the missing dart tip.

"I think," he gulped with hesitation, "our DNA got switched."

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><p><strong>1-The original line here, which I decided was just too eccentric, was "...covered his face from visiblity, but his pants were oddly familiar." While writing this fic, I've realized what crazy stuff I can come up with, huh? <strong>

**OoOoOh! Well, how's Zim going to react to this? Methinks he'll be angry...**

** Hawkwing: Methinks you're been reading too much Shakespeare. **

**Shut up. Also, we now have ART! I have drawn and watercolored a picture of Dib in his new form. It's a little blurry, since I took a picture of it with a webcam, but I'm pleased with it. Check my profile for the link, and review like there's no tomorrow, which would suck, 'cause that's Easter.**


	4. Chapter 4: This Statement is a Lie

**Halfway through this, I lost a bunch of progress. I don't ven remember what I wrote, but ot sucks that I lost it. I tried my best to compensate. Happy birthday.**

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><p>Zim stared as if Dib had just spoken Polish. "How do you suppose that would have happened?" he asked skepticly.<p>

"I..." Dib hesitated. "I had these transfer devices... and one might have gotten stuck in my leg...and I shot the other one at you... I swear, I didn't mean to...I was aiming for..."

Though he was unable to finish a sentence, Zim got the message- it was Dib's fault. He also got the message that he was going to kill this boy if it was the last thing he did. He charged for Dib's thoat again.

"YOU. IGNORANT. PIG HEAD!" he screamed as he charged. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOTTEN US INTO?"

Dib, not wanting to suffer a broken windpipe or whatever irkens use to breathe, instictively activated the spider legs in his new PAK. The good news was that it worked. He rose up several feet above ZIM, suspended by the metal pole...things.

The bad news was that he was not quite used to his PAK. When the legs were activated, the device on his back gripped tighter like a tick. It felt like needles, sewing themselves into his spinal cord and stopping.

The other bad news was that he had no idea how to control them. He just lay limp like a ragdoll, watching Zim jumping up to try to throttle him.

"You-" Zim jumped. "Horrible-" jumped higher. "EARTH FILTH!" Threw a random object at his head.

Dib leaned out of the way each time. It was actually kind of funny, watching Zim jump like that. It wasn't too funny, however, when Zim kicked one of the legs and sent Dib falling face first to the ground. Well, maybe it _was_ funny, but not to Dib.

"Stop it!" Dib shouted. "Don't forget, your house thinks I'm you. I can do whatever I want." Man, that sounded way more evil than he meant it to. It seemed to fit, however.

"Nonsense! I AM ZIM!" Zim shouted. "Computer! Remove this intruder from my base!"

"Searching for intruder..." the electronic voice echoed through the house. "Intruder found."

For the second time, a claw engender and reached toward Zim. Before it could reach him, the former irken shouted, "Hey! Wait! I'm not the intruder! He is!" The claw stopped.

"Voice key recognized. DNA Scan- contradicting results. Re-viewing voice key and DNA scan. ERROR. ERROR. Temporary complete shut-down in 0:05 seconds."

The lights all shut off.

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><p>"Nice going," Dib,now with his hood up, grumbled. The two were standing outside in the rain, as the shut down had caused the security to go haywire and kick them both out.<p>

"This is all your fault, you filthy little-" Zim began.

"Hey, hey! Let's not just keep blaming- okay, maybe it is my fault," Dib interupted, "but this is getting us nowhere."

"Then what do you propose?"

Dib thought a moment. "Well, I guess we can go to my house until we can fix yours," he came up with at last. "Nobody will be home."

"We could try to break in!" Zim completely ignored the other's idea. "You're good at breaking into my base, how about you help?"

"But-" "Great!" Zim raised a fist. "I know it seems impossible, as my defenses are _amazing. _You may go get whatever you need. Meet me back in 5 time...unit...thingies."

"Minutes?"

"Yeah, that thing."

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><p><strong> And now, instead of review replies (since it takes forever), it's tine for REVIEW OF THE WEEKOTHER UNIT OF DAYS! **

**To talesofawesomia- Yes, there are way too many pairing fics on here. *shudders at memories* Ugh... I though a nice change was in order here. Thus, this story was created! I have another non-pairing story coming soon...look for the first chapter when it's done. I'll have more on his disguise later...**


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